Sometimes...

...there's just nothing to say.

I looked back at the beginning of my blog recently and I was struck that once upon a time I wrote some of my (research) ideas here... weird... I think once they became more full of technical stuff -- or as the ideas became more complex (sort-of) and required more explaining and qualifying (definitely), I became wary of posting conclusions alone and being wrongly pigeonholed into all sorts of extremes I don't agree with. Realization no. 1 of late.

Blog realization no. 2 of late: Having a hard year moves one toward posting fun stuff and fun stuff alone. The stupid hurts are for me alone (and those I talk to on the phone or over coffee or where ever, just not for the anonymity of a public blog!). The obvious hurts are, well, obvious and I don't particularly like having them poked at, so I leave them alone as well. I like having a record of positive times amidst a hard year, using the blog as a bit of a track to remember good rather than ill... choosing to look at the positives in one's life or something. But sometimes it makes me feel a bit fake - there's a lot more going on behind the cheer sometimes... and yet--and yet--I am a genuinely cheerful person. One friend once labelled me a joy bringer, and it's not artificial or forced - I like people, I am genuinely a joyful person, I do consistently aim for contentment rather than bitterness... I suppose I just prefer to bring joy to others (because that brings me a great deal of joy) than to focus on what's (wrong) going on inside. Is it dishonest? I don't think so -- it's more a mindset of choosing freedom from the repetitive hamster wheels in my own head, I think! Plus, I prefer to choose gratitude for the good things God has given me, focusing on those, than to wallow in self-pity - I like myself better!

Realization no. 3 of late: Grieving stinks. And it doesn't get easier. It's just there and it just will be there, lurking and hijacking me at unexpected (or expected) times from here on in. Seven months and six days on from holding my father's hand while he left this life, if anything the grief is worse now than it was. Part of it is just the settling knowledge that this is my life now, and there's nothing I can do about it. Yep...

So anyway, it was just weird to look back and "see" how I've changed while I've been here, and yet also see how I've stayed the same. I always enjoy shared amusement, I generally tend toward understatement of personal stuff. I still do like my research and think it's incredibly important for the church more generally -- but then, don't all we theologian/researchers? Or else why do we do this? But I talk about it less publically. And sometimes when you look at my blog it looks like a long string of parties and travel -- but there's a lot of unseen slogging going on between times! It's just rather boring to blog about...

It's a good life. I am content with it.